Being a mother is so difficult. I constantly feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I'm always looking for reassurance from family and the media that I am doing a good job and what I'm doing is the right thing. Usually in life when you look for such comforts from other people it means you know what your doing isn't right. That you already know what you think the correct thing is but for some reason your going against your own judgement and doing something that to yourself feels wrong. While being a mother I've started to learn that even if I'm doing that I think is right and the best thing I still look for the reassurance and encouragement which usually I wouldn't do as I would be confident in my own ability. Every decision feels like a bad idea or a wrong turn in the road, I wonder for the first time in a long time about the long term effects of my decisions and their effects on my daughters life, I've never considered the long term effects on my own life. What will this make my daughter be like? What woman, girl grown up will this turn her into. All I want to do is give her the correct tools to get through life successfully but how can i do that when i don't myself have a clue what is needed to be successful in life.
Having broken up with Faye father its just made everything so much more worse, the guilt I feel for letting both Faye and Ryan down can sometimes be sole destroying but then I think that for Faye all i can do is my best there are a lot worse parents out there. I believe the most important input in her life at the moment is a stable home and routine as well as outside activity daily and plenty of food and sleep. I would like to read to her a lot more. The only time i get a chance to read to her is while she's playing and running around the living room and although sometimes she responds i wish i could get bed time routine and stories down to a T. Reading to her at bed time just gets her more excited and thinking it's play time even after a quiet bath time and wind down time before bed.
I love being a mother and i love Faye more than can be expressed to those without children but I wish i had waited until I was more stable for her.
