I'm so tired, Faye's been in hospital since Tuesday, its now Friday and what a week its been! Ryan's been brilliant with it all, he dealt with staying in hospital better than I did. I found the situation to difficult and upsetting when people left in the evening and it was just me and Faye in this dark room. It was so isolating and really got me down. Ryan didn't get as emotional about being there all night so he did it for the last two nights she was in. I don't know how I could have done it without him to be honest, or my family.
You would think after a week of hospitals and work would the last thing I wanted to do, but I was looking forward to it, getting back into the swing of things and its not hard work. I was a bit stressed when I started but the guy I was working with made me laugh so much and when I finished I just felt so refreshed and relaxed again.
I brilliant having Faye back and watching her crawl around and play she's so happy to be home, its just made Christmas this year even more special. It's already made special by it being her first Christmas but now that she has made it through this and is still healthy and safe its made me appreciate it all a lot more.
I've been struggling a lot recently with becoming a mother, and still dealing with how much of my life I've given up for Faye. I admit that I do regret having her this young but I would never wish for it any other way, I still love her just as much. I just can't get over how much I can't do any more and I just want some time back now that she's getting older and I don't know how to deal with this frustration and sadness at the loss of a life I once had.
I'm sure i can sort this out and find a way to get a good balance between being a parent and a Twenty Year old.
