Troubled

I'm so tired, Faye's been in hospital since Tuesday, its now Friday and what a week its been!  Ryan's been brilliant with it all, he dealt with staying in hospital better than I did. I found the situation to difficult and upsetting  when people left in the evening and it was just me and Faye in this dark room. It was so isolating and  really got me down. Ryan didn't get as emotional about being there all night so he did it for the last two nights she was in. I don't know how I could have done it without him to be honest, or my family.  

You would think after a week of hospitals and work would the last thing I wanted to do, but I was looking forward to it, getting back into the swing of things and its not hard work. I was a bit stressed when I started but the guy I was working with made me laugh so much and when I finished I just felt so refreshed and relaxed again.  

I brilliant having Faye back and watching her crawl around and play she's so happy to be home, its just made Christmas this year even more special. It's already made special by it being her first Christmas but now that she has made it through this and is still healthy and safe its made me appreciate it all a lot more. 

I've been struggling a lot recently with becoming a mother, and still dealing with how much of my life I've given up for Faye. I admit that I do regret having her this young but I would never wish for it any other way, I still love her just as much. I just can't get over how much I can't do any more and I just want some time back now that she's getting older and I don't know how to deal with this frustration and sadness at the loss of a life I once had.

I'm sure i can sort this out and find a way to get a good balance between being a parent and a Twenty Year old. 

Faye August 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Iy217_tZXk

28/09

Today was a great day with Faye, we sat out in the sun together. It was really warm and lovely, I lay on a lounger watching Faye while she drove around in her walker and sleep in her car seat in the garden. I was lovely I was thinking of all the times when she's older and running around playing in the garden and having a paddling pool when is warm and moaning to go to the park.  It reminds me of the photos from when I as younger and running around in my Nan's back garden in only my underwear my mum was beautiful with short dark hair and slim frame with a black swimming costume.

Busy Busy Busy !!

This (to the left) Is not something i have been able to do lately, I've had no time for cups of coffee and i don't think i will have time for a while !! Having the weekend off for Martyn and Helens wedding was nice but it went by to quickly. Now it's back to normal and with so much to do!! The house is a mess and I don't even know where to begin, we are moving in the next month so I need to start packing asap, I have also started a college course to do at home and i have only done a little bit of it in the last month so i need to a get a move on with that. In between all this I'm looking after Faye during the day and night, learning to cook new things that are healthier and i can mash up to give to Faye. I'm also sorting out all my dairy's into a nice organised Journal so it captures my teenage years nicely. While learning to drive and the garden needs sorted out. I've also got to organise someone to look after Faye for Katrina's 18th and Ryan and mines outfit because it's fancy dress. Argh!

So much to do!!!

I miss my bed !