Right or Wrong

Being a mother is so difficult. I constantly feel like I'm doing it all wrong. I'm always looking for reassurance from family and the media that I am doing a good job and what I'm doing is the right thing. Usually in life when you look for such comforts from other people it means you know what your doing isn't right. That you already know what you think the correct thing is but for some reason your going against your own judgement and doing something that to yourself feels wrong. While being a mother I've started to learn that even if I'm doing that I think is right and the best thing I still look for the reassurance and encouragement which usually I wouldn't do as I would be confident in my own ability. Every decision feels like a bad idea or a wrong turn in the road, I wonder for the first time in a long time about the long term effects of my decisions and their effects on my daughters life, I've never considered the long term effects on my own life. What will this make my daughter be like? What woman, girl grown up will this turn her into. All I want to do is give her the correct tools to get through life successfully but how can i do that when i don't myself have a clue what is needed to be successful in life.

Having broken up with Faye father its just made everything so much more worse, the guilt I feel for letting both Faye and Ryan down can sometimes be sole destroying but then I think that for Faye all i can do is my best there are a lot worse parents out there. I believe the most important input in her life at the moment is a stable home and routine as well as outside activity daily and plenty of food and sleep. I would like to read to her a lot more. The only time i get a chance to read to her is while she's playing and running around the living room and although sometimes she responds i wish i could get bed time routine and stories down to a T. Reading to her at bed time just gets her more excited and thinking it's play time even after a quiet bath time and wind down time before bed.

I love being a mother and i love Faye more than can be expressed to those without children but I wish i had waited until I was more stable for her.

Troubled

I'm so tired, Faye's been in hospital since Tuesday, its now Friday and what a week its been!  Ryan's been brilliant with it all, he dealt with staying in hospital better than I did. I found the situation to difficult and upsetting  when people left in the evening and it was just me and Faye in this dark room. It was so isolating and  really got me down. Ryan didn't get as emotional about being there all night so he did it for the last two nights she was in. I don't know how I could have done it without him to be honest, or my family.  

You would think after a week of hospitals and work would the last thing I wanted to do, but I was looking forward to it, getting back into the swing of things and its not hard work. I was a bit stressed when I started but the guy I was working with made me laugh so much and when I finished I just felt so refreshed and relaxed again.  

I brilliant having Faye back and watching her crawl around and play she's so happy to be home, its just made Christmas this year even more special. It's already made special by it being her first Christmas but now that she has made it through this and is still healthy and safe its made me appreciate it all a lot more. 

I've been struggling a lot recently with becoming a mother, and still dealing with how much of my life I've given up for Faye. I admit that I do regret having her this young but I would never wish for it any other way, I still love her just as much. I just can't get over how much I can't do any more and I just want some time back now that she's getting older and I don't know how to deal with this frustration and sadness at the loss of a life I once had.

I'm sure i can sort this out and find a way to get a good balance between being a parent and a Twenty Year old. 

Faye August 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Iy217_tZXk

28/09

Today was a great day with Faye, we sat out in the sun together. It was really warm and lovely, I lay on a lounger watching Faye while she drove around in her walker and sleep in her car seat in the garden. I was lovely I was thinking of all the times when she's older and running around playing in the garden and having a paddling pool when is warm and moaning to go to the park.  It reminds me of the photos from when I as younger and running around in my Nan's back garden in only my underwear my mum was beautiful with short dark hair and slim frame with a black swimming costume.

Busy Busy Busy !!

This (to the left) Is not something i have been able to do lately, I've had no time for cups of coffee and i don't think i will have time for a while !! Having the weekend off for Martyn and Helens wedding was nice but it went by to quickly. Now it's back to normal and with so much to do!! The house is a mess and I don't even know where to begin, we are moving in the next month so I need to start packing asap, I have also started a college course to do at home and i have only done a little bit of it in the last month so i need to a get a move on with that. In between all this I'm looking after Faye during the day and night, learning to cook new things that are healthier and i can mash up to give to Faye. I'm also sorting out all my dairy's into a nice organised Journal so it captures my teenage years nicely. While learning to drive and the garden needs sorted out. I've also got to organise someone to look after Faye for Katrina's 18th and Ryan and mines outfit because it's fancy dress. Argh!

So much to do!!!

I miss my bed !